Tunnel vision

I suffer from tunnel vision.  When I'm on this side of a stressful situation, or when I just wish that things were different than they are, I quickly begin to feel like things have "always been this way" and are "never going to change".  In these times, I don't remember what I've accomplished, what God has accomplished for me in His grace, the pain I've been spared, His promises for the future, or the talents and gifts I've been given.  I'm mired in this mindset till I get to the other side, or until things do change, and that's typically more quickly than I think is possible.

Life slips away in these times.  I try desperately to press pause, stop time, get space and figure things out, to make sure I get it right before letting the clock keep ticking.  But even Tetris turns the screen black when you press pause; you can't stop to plan your next move.  What a boring game that would be, anyway!  I wrote previously about how I make endless lists of things I want to do, and about how the list grows faster than I cross items out.  I romanticized it as developing an eternal perspective.  But the flip side of my approach is that I try to hoard life.  I don't want to "spend it", don't want to move or do anything unless I know it's best.

That's obviously not how life works.  I hope no one reads this blog expecting earth-shattering revelations and insights; it's more about me slowly learning to navigate the world.

I'd like to eliminate the possibility of ever failing at anything.  I keep saying I will get around to all that needs to be done.  But immediate appetites and people's expectations and fear too often win the day, and higher priorities continue to sit untouched.  Even some of my favorite music goes un-listened-to because it gets lost in a pile of MP3s and CDs from the last 15 years, and my iPod only holds 4GB.

I have a few active improvement projects going around my house, and they are a visible manifestation of this unfortunate tendency of mine.  The wall of my living room where I removed the smoked glass remains in need of finishing and painting.  Wires protrude from the hall ceiling, in the spot where the gaudy brass light fixture once hung.  Painter's tape lines all the wood trim in the hall, guarding the finished walls from the delinquent brush.  Before I paint, though, I want to put down hardwood flooring in a few rooms.  But that requires making a decision about what flooring to put down.

Sometimes I look at the walls of the house and think that they will never get finished.  They obviously will not on their own.  I forget that progress is its own reward.  And a single step is progress.  It never takes as long as I think it will.

We started training for the mini-Marathon a week and a half ago.  These 2- and 3-mile runs are getting a little easier too.  The last time I ran the mini-Marathon wasn't too long ago, but long enough for me to forget that I can do it.  I'm remembering by doing.

Auld Gang Sign: New Year Grab Bag

First I want to apologize for not posting to the blog for over two months, especially after a few of you nice people specifically asked to hear more!  This year, I'm going to shoot for at least one blog update a week.  That will hopefully be more manageable than my original doe-eyed goal of posting daily.

The first week (~ish: from weekend to weekend) of 2010 was a good one.  I've set some goals (in bold), begun working toward a few of them, and have had some fun in the process.  Thanks to my cousin Megan, I decided to list only the goals that are measurable.

Last week I discovered NoTakeout.com.  The extent of my cooking experience is embarrassingly limited, which I have long wanted to change.  Having a website send me daily e-mails with recipes seemed like a good way to get rolling.  Wednesday night I began with a bang (Tilapia Curry), and shared the meal with roommate Trenton and coworker Pete.  The meal and its presentation got very positive reviews, and thus began the goal to cook at least one good meal each week.  Sorry about the lack of pictures; my camera's memory card was absent, so I was unable to capture the sights and smells.

I'm going to drink zero cokes this year (carbonated beverages).  Not to be confused with Coke Zero.


I registered for the races to be held in Louisville this Spring, and will run the 5K, 10K, 10-miler, and the Kentucky Derby Festival miniMarathon.  Being in good running condition is a great feeling, but it will take some work to get back to that condition.

Yesterday evening Pippin kept barking at me, and after offering her food and letting her out, she didn't relent until I asked "want to go for a walk?".  This always yields the same reaction: she freezes, as if to say, "don't mention that if you're not serious; don't tease me".  Repeating the question makes her freak out, and a few minutes later she's leashed and running on the uncleared roads of our neighborhood, and I had to run to keep up with her.  She's helping me get started on the training.

On Thursday evening, she accompanied me as Pete, Trenton, Ellen and I tried to make the most of the ground cover by sledding.  We went down a big hill near the Louisville Water Company reservoir, using a runner sled and a plastic trash can lid.  Pippin walked around and did great, but when I noticed her limping, she had to spend the rest of the evening staying warm in my coat, including one trip down the hill!

It was good not to get cooped up in the house for too long during the inclement weather, but I will need to spend some time at home to address a few unfinished projects.  Near the top of the list: replacing hall light fixtures and painting (1st quarter), and reflooring the living room (2nd quarter).

Sweaters and Sweets T(h)ree, the annual Christmas show and party that my band (currently Enable Macros, with Jon Durlauf and Matt Gatewood) puts on, was a success.  We had a blast, and pushed ourselves to prepare more music than we thought we had time for.  Our next goal is to make recordings of our original songs.

It's been over ten years since I played on the Bible Bowl team at church, but a lot of what I memorized in those days has stayed with me, and tends to be recalled when it's needed.  This year I am revisiting the discipline, beginning with memorizing Galatians.  This is part of my goal and desire to deepen my relationship with God.

Over the last few months, I've spent a lot of time on things that genuinely aren't that important to me.  That happens when I don't intentionally focus on the things that are.  Here's to a year in which we all live for what is important to us.