On a treadmill

If I step onto the treadmill, I make sure I have a book or a podcast ready to go. The prospect of being unable to multi-task during a mundane, repetitious workout depresses me. And it's funny: I enjoy reading; I enjoy catching up on news through podcasts; but I can't seem to help looking at these activities as "to dos" to be scratched off a list. The next chapter of a book, the next level of a video game, the next mile, the next podcast, the next coat of paint, the next errand: each is another check mark on a list growing inexorably.

Too often this list defines my life. Wow, I wrote that last sentence before I realized how true it is. On occasion, my mouth will surprise me and put my feelings into words before I think I understand how I feel: when I answer a "tough question" without thinking too hard. When I answered my mom, "no, I'm really not happy that I'm getting married." Apparently my fingers share that talent. Answers like these scare me.

But when something that could be on the list transcends the list itself, I find myself really enjoying life. Reading a book I've read before. Playing NES Jackal for the ten thousandth time. Sitting down at the piano to play my songs. Hanging out and laughing with my family and my close friends. Doing something not because I have to, but because I want to.

I've heard it said that you should find a job you love so that work won't feel like work. For me, thoughts along these lines keep leading me back to writing and playing music. But I haven't yet devoted the time to see it through, to test those waters. I haven't given it an honest effort. I'm even hesitant to do so for apprehension that doing so will relegate even music to the list that governs my life.

Another obstacle that keeps me from doing more with music is writer's block for lyrics. I love writing tunes and have been sitting on a few half-decent ones for years. I keep telling myself that I'll write lyrics for them one day. But I need to get past the block.

That's kind of where this blog comes in: I think my writer's block is due to the fact that I am not in the habit of writing. I'm hoping this blog gets me into the habit. I was blessed to meet my favorite songwriter, Ryan O'Neal from Sleeping at Last, and he told me to just write, write, write: that "eventually what will happen is, you'll scrape your mind clear of all the clutter that clogs up the good stuff, and you'll find your heart in there, and writing about pain, or love or struggle, will be sincere."

I find writing easiest when I know my audience. And that's where you come in: an audience of friends. Make comments, chime in, just read -- so I have a reason to write.